Kitty Crack
by Ikasury
Summary: Grimmjow Jaegerjaques survived the hollow-shinigami-Aizen-hold-up-thing... And while everyone else thought he simply disappeared, he was actually quietly whisked away to the Twelfth Division's Institute of Technology for some... 'exams'... What does this have to do with the sudden disappearance of Shihouin Yoruichi? Never you mind, least you're involved in project 'Cat-Ninjas'...


**A/N:** this is horrible, but i couldn't resist after reading Sariniste's 'Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors'... and this comes from a comment i made to them in a review, so utter crack...

also, because of this i've decided if i ever ended up in the Bleach universe i'd be a member of Twelfth Division, so weird i know...

**Dis:** blah, blah, belongs to Titty K.

ENJOY!

* * *

Kitty Crack…

Grimmjow was hauled in by his shoulders and roughly shoved through a dark door. Still being blearing from the abrupt 'cat-napping' and being subsequently drugged and dragged through who-knew-what before becoming face first with a dark cold floor, the former Espada groaned.

"The fuck…?" a clawed hand went to his head, and realizing it was a 'clawed hand' that went to his head he patted himself down and realized he was in his Resserecion form. This caused him to become a bit more lucid, "THE FUCK!"

Suddenly a spot light turned on suspiciously over top of him.

Grunting at the sudden light, he raised a hand to shield his eyes, once again realizing he was in his 'awakened' form. Flexing his claws, and adrenaline pumping away those pesky drugs, the former number 6 Espada jumped to his kitty paws, "The FUCK is goin' on?!"

A light seemed to come on from an over observing room, "Ahh, I see you're awake…"

"Fuck yea I am?!" the kitty-man growled at the person obscured behind the mesh window. After a second of no response, Grimmjow suddenly found an intense pain going through his neck and he dropped to the ground. When the lights receded he reached up with his kitty-claws and realized he had a 'shock'-collar on, "The fuck?!"

"Good kitty," the monotonous voice called out from the observation room, "Now, since we brought you here for a _very good_ reason, please turn your attention to behind you…"

Glaring, confused and not wanting another shock, Grimmjow turned around.

Another light went on, this one depicting a horrendously cat-themed bed.

He quirked one eyebrow, highly confused, "Da Fuck?!" before turning back to the ominous observation room, "What's with that damn bed!"

The voice coughed over the loud speaker, "We've brought you here as a matter of a decree by the Captain-Commander, seeing as… hmm?"

"Well?!" he showed his fangs to the person behind the glass. That creepy bed made his fur stand on end…

"Whatever," there was a wave from behind the mesh window, "Turn your attention to this!"

Another light flashed to another side of the very large dark room. In it was a golden pole.

Grimmjow just looked very, very confused.

"Nyaa~"

His feral eyes turned now to the ground and spotted a black cat.

It winked at him.

His face went red with 'rage', yea that's what it was. Turning back to the observation window, "WHAT THE FUCK?!"

The voice coughed again, "As I was saying, it was decreed by Yamamato-Soutaichou that we need more… how shall we say, 'cat' ninjas?"

The cat-man growled, "The fuck is wrong with you people!" he turned looking very confused at the black cat that was now preening. His eye twitched as he turned back to the observation room, pointing indignantly at the black cat, "And I'm SOOOO not into that!"

"Would this be better for you?!" at the sound of the voice behind him, Grimmjow turned around and his jaw dropped. For in a poof of smoke the black cat disappeared and a rather voluptuous and naked dark skinned goddess of flash appeared, with a Cheshire grin as she grabbed the pole…

"Go Yoruichi-sama!" came another voice over the loud speaker.

Grimmjow was stunned for the next few minutes as Yoruichi displayed her… 'flexibility and balance' with the aid of the convenient pole.

There was the sound of something being shoved aside as the loud speaker coughed again, "_Anyway_… as you can see we haven't paired with just _**any**_ common household cat…"

Grimmjow was still staring at the rather… 'exotic' display.

There was a tap on the mic, "Uh, Grimmjow?"

Shaking the 'fuzzies' out of his head, the panther-man turned back to the observation room, pointing indignantly, "WHAT THE **FUCK!**" he pointed back at Yoruichi, "The hell is this?" he eyed the grinning cat woman suspiciously.

There was a loud sigh over the loud speaker, "That, is Shihouin Yoruichi, and _unfortunately_ the only 'known' cat-ninja we have left…" the speaker paused long enough for the former Espada to glare indignantly them, "And Yamamato-Soutaichou _recently_ realized the various uses such abilities have, so he's _ordered_ us to find a way to reproduce this…"

Grimmjow's eye was still twitching, "The fuck?! That doesn't even make sense!" he pointed a clawed thumb at himself, "And I'm a goddamn hollow! Or can you _**not**_ see this big-fucking-hole in my chest!"

Another sigh from loud speaker, "Yea, well, you were the only male 'cat-person' we could find on such short notice with the required reitsu level and all that jazz…"

The blue-kitty-man was still glaring at the observation room, "That _**STILL**_ doesn't make sense!" he momentarily looked back at Yoruichi who was now just leaning on the pole looking bored before turning back to the observation room, "And what about that Fraccion under Barragan, he's a fucking saber-tooth tiger!"

From the shadows it was hinted the speaker shrugged, "He's dead thanks to _someone_," pause for dramatic glaring, "And honestly you were the only one we could get our hands on, being unconscious, alive, and whatever…"

Said hollow just growled.

"Look, in order to ensure 'cat-ninjas' from this coupling, we had to pick a male-cat-thing to go with Yoruichi-sama, plus we felt that in order for 'competent'… uh, 'kittens' that would be worth all this effort we had to make sure they'd be of _at least_ captain-quality, and as an Espada you obviously qualify…" if Grimmjow didn't know any better the person behind the mesh glass was glaring.

"This is absurd!" he growled again, "They'd be half-hollow you fucking retards!"

"Meh," another shrug, "We know how to deal with that… we just care about the 'cat-ninja' part…"

"You people are insane!" suddenly his 'shock'-collar activated again, and he was rolling around on the floor trying to shake it off.

"Well, now that that's explained, Yoruichi-sama?" the voice seemed to turn to the naked goddess of flash.

Yoruichi for her part just watched the blue and white kitty roll around on the floor before frowning and putting her hands on her hips, "That wasn't _nearly_ as fun as I thought it would be?"

"Yea… whatever…" it was obvious the voice didn't care.

The woman's gold-cat eyes glared at the observation room, "Hey, joke's over and done with; you're letting me out, right?"

"Mmm…" the voice pondered, "No."

"What?!" now it was Yoruichi's turn to look like one pissed kitty.

"We still have Yamamato-Soutaichou's order to up hold," the voice paused to let that sink in, "Or did you think we were making that all up?"

"What?!" the goddess of flash looked stricken, "I was told I'd just get the chance strut my stuff and flash a few unsuspecting guys!"

The voice seemed to look to the side.

There was the sound of something being shoved aside, "This is for your own good, Yoruichi-sama!"

The cat-woman looked stunned, jaw hanging open, "SoiFong! You traitor!"

* * *

In the observation room, SoiFong was giving a grin that would put her master to shame, "That's for all the times you didn't listen to me…"

The twelfth squad member merely looked upon the konoichi-captain indignantly, "I had wondered how you got her to come here _willingly_…"

The stoic female captain merely stood up straight with her arms crossed and looked over the technician with narrow dark eyes, "Now for my payment…"

The technician rolled her eyes behind her glasses before turning around and getting out of the rolly-chair to some cabinets.

"Is this really such a good idea?"

The female captain looked over her shoulder to see the larger dog-captain, she looked at him with the closest thing she had to a pout, "Can't argue with the requests of the Captain-Commander," she turned back to the open windows with an evil grin as she watched the blue and white Espada wake up from Yoruichi kicking him and the two proceeded to get into a fight.

"Is that safe?" Komamura turned to the technician who walked up beside him holding two objects, one black and the other blue.

The technician shrugged, seemingly bored, "While the two exceed Captain-standards in reitsu and combat abilities, as long as they're in that room they can't do much damage, to themselves or the room." She took a step away from the dog-captain and stood next to the konoichi-captain who was just enjoying watching the fight, "As promised…"

SoiFong turned to the techinician, and spotted the two objects she was holding out to her.

"One replica of Yoruichi's black-cat form, stuffed animal," she held up the black kitty doll before handing it to the konoichi, "And one to-scale replica of Grimmjow's Adjuctas form, the white bone replaced with fluffy blue fur," holding up the blue panther doll and handing it over.

The konoichi grinned evilly, looking at both dolls and resisted the urge to squeal, because she didn't, before looking at the bored technician, "Pleasure doing business…"

"Eh," she shrugged, putting her hands in her lab-coat pockets.

SoiFong glared a moment more, curious why this woman wasn't intimidated by her like everyone else, but assumed it had to do with being a member of twelfth division. With kitty dolls in hand the konoichi-captain turned heel and walked towards the door.

"Careful getting out," the technician said bored.

The konoichi glared back, before closing the door.

Komamura sighed.

"Don't worry dog-man, she won't get far…" the technician said nonchalantly next to him.

"What?" his odd dog-brows cocked as he turned to the smaller woman.

"Knockout-kitties," the technician grinned.

Gold eyes blinked, "What do you mean knockout-kitties?!"

The technician shrugged, "The moment she hugs those two kitties together she's going to get a shot of one _**SERIOUS**_ knockout drug…"

Komamura's eyes went wide, "Who would make such a device?"

The technician turned on him with a brow raised over her glasses, "Mayuri-sama, of course."

"Why?" he was almost afraid to ask.

Again the technician just shrugged nonchalantly, "Why not?" she rolled her shoulder, "Sides we have another order from the Captain-Commander we need to fill…"

Komamura was caught between running out the door and warning his fellow captain or finding out what this 'other' order was…

Too bad that was the moment the technician decided to smack him on the back with a needle.

The towering canine-captain fell over flat on his face.

The technician grinned wickedly over the unconscious form of the large dog-captain, "Dog-ninjas!"

A screen on the far side of the poorly lit room flashed on and Mayuri's angry clown face filled up most of the thing, "Are those samples ready yet!"

The technician turned to the screen, still looking overly bored, "Yes, Mayuri-sama," she adjusted her glasses, "Just have to go fetch the other one…" she kicked the sleeping side of the gargantuan dog-captain to draw her captain's attention to him.

Mayuri looked down, noticed the unconscious form of Komamura and grinned, "Very well, send someone to retrieve that while you get the other one…"

"Yes, Mayuri-sama," she adjusted her glasses again, "By the way, the first samples are in their cage and things seem to be going well…" she glanced to the side and saw that Yoruichi had Grimmjow in a head lock, "Very well…"

"Hmph," the crazy-clown captain frowned, "don't contact me until it's done!"

"Yes, Mayuri-sama," with that the screen turned off. The technician sighed, looked down to the unconscious dog-captain then shrugged, "Eh." With that she turned to the door and stepped out, coming out to a set of catwalks and quickly found an unconscious SoiFong. She shook her head before bending down and picking the konoichi up, "Come on, can't keep the crazy doctor or the Captain-Commander waiting…"

It would be some time later before anyone noticed the two quietest captains were actually missing. Only Urahara noticed that Yoruichi was missing but figured she'd gone on another escapade and would be back whenever like usual. No one in Hueco Mundo even realized Grimmjow was alive to begin with or cared.

* * *

**A/N:** since 'Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors' deals with a lot of joking on the uber yaoi pairings, and Grimmjow in general, i couldn't resist ripping on him, and Yoruichi pairing with him... well its because i'm using 'shipping logic' they're CATS so that works :D

Tobi would highly approve...

and don't take it too seriously, they all got out later and relatively unharmed...

Till next -salute-waves- Sayounara, Mina!

-Ikasury


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